October 19, 2012 by Vicki
Honesty. It’s a hard concept to practice. I don’t want to be honest because I fear that I will hurt other people’s feelings. That I will make myself look bad to whomever I am trying to impress. I remember reading about Rachel Lynde in Anne of Green Gables, who prided herself on being honest to a fault. She often used her “honesty” to beat her opinions into other people. I don’t want to be that kind of person.
Dishonesty, however, is a very dirty word. I have realized that if I am not honest then I am dishonest. Even when I lie to protect the feeling of others; I am still lying, I am dishonest. Dishonesty has always been a trait to avoid. I remember, as a child, a villain would always be dishonest. I know, as an adult, how much I avoid people I feel are dishonest. I prefer straight honesty from my friends and family. I prefer an honest fight that gives a chance for us to work out our difficulties. I find that a dishonest response leaves no room for any relationship to grow.
Recently, I realized that I have been dishonest in my relations with others. I would not give my reactions to things that they said. Instead, I would tell them what I thought they wanted to hear. I would not tell them when something they did hurt my feelings. Instead, I would smile and nod, while seething inside. It built and built until finally it exploded. In the chaos that resulted, I realized that I needed to change. I needed to change for myself and for my sanity.
I need to be honest even when it hurts. I need to be honest about my own desires. I need to pursue my own interests. I need to ensure my own space. I need to be honest about what happens in my own life. I need to tell people when they hurt me. I need to protect myself from those who do hurt me. I need to share my thoughts, beliefs, opinions and observations with others of like minds. I need to stop relying on other people’s opinion and start making my own decisions. As my mother would say: I need to stop hiding my light beneath a bushel.
I want this change to be reflected in this blog. I have changed the tagline to reflect my desire. I want to be completely honest and upfront about who I am and the life that I am living. I am not Boudica. I am a woman struggling to find her way in a world that very rarely makes sense. I know I am not alone in the struggle. I know You are out there. I want to hear Your stories. I want to share my stories with you. I know I am different from the norm. Maybe you are different as well? If we share our stories and lives then, maybe, we will discover how to be proud in our difference. Let this space be a space where we can be honest and share what we know. No fear of ridicule. No fear of being different. We are all different here.
How am I different? It’s a fair question. I don’t have cable television in my home. I steadfastly refuse to let into my home. The only mainstream media that we have access to is the internet. I don’t like the propaganda and the ideology that comes through the mainstream programming. I won’t let it in my house. I am a self-acknowledge geek. I frequently talk to myself. (Sometimes it was the only way to get an intelligent answer. LOL) I question everything.I love classical music. I actually love most music, except for rap, hip hop, and the extreme heavy metal. I enjoy reading poetry. I hate shopping – except for books. (I can spend hours in a bookstore.) I rage against the status quo. I do not believe that this is all the human race is capable of. I think we were meant for bigger and better things. I look and listen to great works of ar,t and believe in the potential for the human race. I hold a baby in my arms and sense the innocence and potential just waiting to begin.
I am not Boudica but I believe I have the potential to be a Boudica. I believe each one of you also has the potential to be a Boudica. If you don’t identify with Boudica then pick another female hero, whether it be Joni Mitchell or Lucy Maude Montgomery, Queen Elizabeth or Cleopatra, the point is that what they had, we also have. Let us celebrate our potential, our difference, our growth and the lives we lead. What’s your story? Let us celebrate it.